


Your hands aren't his but God, sometimes they feel like it

by RainbowsandSparkles



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst, Fingering, Fluff, M/M, Mentions of past abuse, Panic Attack, handjob, hurt/ comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-23
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-14 22:00:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28927722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RainbowsandSparkles/pseuds/RainbowsandSparkles
Summary: Andrew decides that he wants Neil to top him and then has a panic attack.It's softer than it sounds.
Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 14
Kudos: 181





	Your hands aren't his but God, sometimes they feel like it

**Author's Note:**

> I decided that there wasn't enough Andrew having panic attacks fics so wrote one myself.   
> It's not the best but I had a weirdly good time writing it and hope you enjoy reading it. 
> 
> There is heavy reference to Andrew's past abuse (with Drake), it's not really a flashback but he's kind of thinking about it and feeling it? that doesn't make any sense but please proceed with caution if that's triggering for you x 
> 
> other than that this is lowkey really soft.

Neil and Andrew had gone to Columbia for the summer holidays. Aaron and Kevin were joining the week after- Aaron wanting to spend an extra week with Katelyn and Kevin wanting to spend a week attempting to have a normal father- son relationship- Nicky would join them in three weeks- after coming back from Germany. But for now, it was just them and neither were complaining. A week just to themselves was heaven- it was rare to ever get a true moment alone at the Fox tower. Someone was normally lurking around the corner to come out and bother them when was least convenient. They were lucky Andrew was still seeing Bee; they’d been working on his impulse to stab people when they annoyed him. Unfortunately for him it was working. But Neil smiled that stupid proud smile whenever he fought the urge, so he supposed it wasn’t all bad.

They’d just come back from the shops carrying three bags between them with enough food so that if they didn’t feel like leaving the house for the next few weeks they wouldn’t have to. Andrew was more than content not to move from their bed for the whole time they were alone except for the occasional smoke break but he knew his little rabbit would never be satisfied with that. He may have stopped running away but he still liked to run. And well, who was Andrew to stop him when he always came back beaming and beautifully pink?

Speaking of his little rabbit, Neil was currently stood on his tiptoes attempting to put some of the shopping away in the cupboards that neither of them could reach without some form of help. His top rode up from the stretch to expose a delicious sliver of skin. Andrew wanted to kiss him. Stupid Neil.

Instead of kissing him like he really _really_ wanted to, he touched his shoulder as warning before scaling his back and perching on top of them. It was a practised routine by now, developed over years of going to Columbia on their own and always running out of room in the bottom shelves. Nicky insisted on keeping the pots and pans and plates in the bottom shelves because he didn’t want Neil to try and pull one out from the top and them all fall on him. Because Andrew could get crushed but not their poor precious baby Neil. When they got their own place, they’d only have low shelves or at least invest in a step ladder. For now, this worked.

Andrew plucked the bag of popcorn out of Neil’s hand, loaded it successfully into the cupboard and did the same to the next item. This continued until the shopping was neatly put away in just the way that Andrew liked but no one else could manage to maintain. Neil was the only one who tried.

Instead of putting him down immediately after the shopping was done, Neil kept Andrew on his shoulders and walked them outside. Andrew got two cigarettes out of his pocket and had them lit within moments of the chilly outside breeze hitting them. He took a drag of the first one lit and exhaled down towards Neil’s face as he attempted to look up at him. Neil said nothing but gave him that look that said ‘really?’, Andrew didn’t comment but did place the cigarette he’d just taken a drag from in between Neil’s expecting lips and then took a drag of his own. Neil never asked why he took a drag of his before his own- he probably didn’t need to- Neil knew Andrew well enough by now to understand some of the weird quirks he had- and Andrew never asked why Neil kept him on his shoulders after doing the shopping instead of putting him down. It was part of their routine and Andrew liked it so he never felt the need to question it. Neil would probably tell him one day anyway and if he didn’t it’s not like Andrew would lose any sleep over it.

They finished their cigarettes in relative silence, both enjoying the acrid taste swirling on their tongues and down to their lungs. Andrew was always glad Neil had never asked him to give up- he would in a heartbeat for Neil and that was the problem- he liked the time they spent smoking together. He liked all the time they spent together- but this, the quiet and cold that surrounded them, felt different to all the other time they spend together, and Andrew had spent enough time with Bee to know that it was okay to enjoy things and not destroy them the second his heart grew too fond.

Finally, Neil let him down but only so far as the banister that surrounded the decking. The perfect kissing height Neil always called it- Andrew did not agree- the perfect kissing height was when they were both lying down so that there was in-fact no height difference between them and there was no strain to either of their necks- but he did understand the appeal of this position. It allowed him to wrap his legs around Neil’s waist and drag him closer and keep him there, and it meant that he could bend down to meet Neil’s mouth rather than having to look up. And it made Neil look smaller than him which was always a benefit. Still, Neil didn’t move any closer- he simply waited till Andrew permitted it. It was something that had made Andrew fall in love with him.

“Yes or no?” Andrew said then.

“Yes.” Neil breathed around a smile that grew when Andrew grabbed his neck and drew him closer. He kept his hands strictly shoulders up as they kissed and let Andrew lead just like he always did. It seemed Neil was happy with any Andrew- attention he got since he never complained at what was given and lapped up what was allowed. Like now, Neil was more than content to bury his fingers into Andrews hair and be kissed, never asking for more, never it seemed wanting for more. Never wanting more than Andrew was willing to give him.

It was, of course, Andrew that breathed, “Waist up, over clothes,” into the space between them and let out a small, satisfied hum when he felt one of Neil’s hands slip out of his hair and drop down to his chest.

They stayed like this, kissing, smiling (as much as Andrew did smile) between breaths, until Neil finally pulled away. “Let’s go inside,” he said already withdrawing, Andrew didn’t have time to feel annoyed by it because Neil already had his hand out in a question. He took it without hesitation and let himself be pulled from the bannister. The walk to the sofa was a short one but Andrew was already craving Neil’s hands back on him by the time they reached it. Neil chose to sit down on one end and loosened the grip on his hand so that Andrew could choose to withdraw it if he wanted to. He didn’t, instead he tightened his own grip before looking down to Neil’s crotch.

“Yes or no?” he asked again. When Neil nodded and extra confirmed with his own yes Andrew sat on-top on Neil, legs straddled either side of his thighs. When Neil moved back so he could maintain a good few inches between them, Andrew knew he was right in wanting what he wanted.

“Neil.” He said, “I want you to top me.”

Neil’s nickname of rabbit had never been truer than that moment- even when he was itching to run- for his eyes had gone ridiculously wide and his mouth had followed suit. His little rabbit caught in the headlights that was Andrew. His mouth opened and closed like a cute little fish before he finally gave up trying to form words. Andrew waited for Neil to decide on how he wanted to proceed.

“No.” He said far more aggressively than the situation demanded. “I mean,” Neil schooled his expression into something less offensive before continuing, “Not yet. I can’t yet”

Andrew nodded; it was a big step for both of them; he knew it fucked Neil up to see him with Drake. Neil would never hurt him- they both knew this- but it didn’t stop Neil from fearing that one day he would accidentally. He didn’t seem to realise that if Andrew panicked when Neil touched him that it wasn’t Neil who hurt him but his past ghosts that chose that moment to haunt him. Still Andrew didn’t push him. Neil could ponder it in his own time and if he decided to broach the topic again then he could when he decided he was ready to. For now, he settled on being held by Neil, kissing him again till they both grew tired and chose to stop in favour of watching tv with their arms still draped around each other.

It was a few days later when Neil finally decided he was ready to have that conversation again. “Why do you want me to?” They were making dinner at the time. It was a good excuse to not look at each other- both able to focus on their own tasks rather than each other’s eyes.

Andrew wasn’t sure that ‘because I want to’ was an answer that would sedate him so instead he said, “Because I want to, because I trust you and I want to try it.” That wasn’t much better, but it was more.

“I spoke to Bee.” He was slicing a pepper in the way he’d seen the professionals do on TV, by cutting each end off, slicing a slit down the side and rolling it out so it created a long thin strip of pepper rather than the uneven blocks Andrew always managed to do. He liked it this way. He liked seeing Neil cook. “She said I should trust that you to know what you want and trust you to know your boundaries.” He continued once Andrew said nothing in response. “And I do trust you know your own boundaries” Neil didn’t need to say that for Andrew to know, he always let him decide how he wanted to be touched, when he wanted to be touched, and never questioned his decisions- never judged him for his decisions. So, Neil did not need to clarify that he trusted Andrew knew his own boundaries, but he did anyway. “I’m just scared.”

Andrew nodded. “I spoke to Bee too. She thinks it’s nice that I’ve found someone I feel comfortable enough to explore this with. That’s how she phrased it,” he added on when Neil smirked in the corner of his vision. “I feel safe with you. We don’t have to try it if you don’t want to, but I want to let you know that I want to.”

After what felt like a few hours but was in fact only half an hour since the food had just finished cooking, Neil finally spoke. “I want to too.”

That evening, after a tub of ice cream each, Andrew found himself hovering over Neil with his lips pressed against his. It was how he found himself most evenings, but surprisingly he hadn’t found himself getting bored of it. Neil’s lips tasted of chewy caramel and Andrew couldn’t complain if he wanted to. After all this time he still wasn’t sure if Neil specifically ate flavours off Andrew’s top tier favourite flavour list just to make his mouth seem more delectable or not. He didn’t need to, but Andrew would be lying if he said it didn’t help. It was some of the joy of eating another tub ice cream without the added annoyance of Kevin yelling at him that he would ruin his body. Not that he cared what Kevin thought but it was nice to avoid a headache. And to kiss Neil of course.

“Yes or no?” He asked as his hand settled just above Neil’s crotch.

“Yes, always yes.”

That was all it took for Andrew to let his hand shimmer down to be pressed fully against Neil’s growing hard on. Neil moaned and Andrew moved his hand so he was rubbing him over his shorts.

“Andrew,” He gasped. He always liked how responsive Neil was to the smallest of gestures. And as a reward he let his hand slip under the other boys shorts to fully grasp his member and continue his ministrations skin to skin. It appeared Neil was appreciative of this as his back arched off the sofa and his moans grew louder. “Andrew.” He said again, it was still weird to hear his name sound like a prayer, like he was the only thing left in the world and Neil was thankful for that.

Before he could get his mouth around his cock Neil was tugging at his hair panting _bedroom, bedroom, bedroom_. Andrew didn’t see why given that no one was around that could accidentally walk in on them but then again every time they did something slightly frisky in public Neil couldn’t move his eyes away from the offending place and couldn’t stop the blush that crept up his neck. And as thick as the foxes were, it didn’t take much to put two and two together and Andrew was not prepared to have Aarons disapproving lecture about how this was a ‘sacred, public space’ and they had their own bedroom they could defile, like him and Katlyn had never done anything in the common area, and Nicky’s cackling and approving questions and comments. Especially when he was working on _not_ stabbing people. So maybe the bedroom was the safest, and admittedly the comfiest, place to be. Didn’t mean he wasn’t mad about moving though.

But when Neil had all but raced to the bedroom and leaped onto their bed with as much eagerness as one could manage he couldn’t help but let a small content smile slip.

“Eager are we?” It wasn’t exactly a question; he didn’t need Neil to confirm he was eager when he could just look at him but that didn’t stop Neil from responding.

“Yes! Now get over here and touch me.” He raised open arms up then as an invitation. Andrew slipped between them and let his hands rest either side of Neil’s head as the owner of the head let his own slip into Andrew’s hair. They kissed like they did on the balcony but this time with a bit more panting involved particularly on Neil’s end.

“Touch me.” Andrew grunted out, sick of having Neil’s hands just in his hair.

“Where?” The other boy responded barely stopping kissing him to reply.

“Under clothes, waist up.”

Neil complied slipping his hands up beneath Andrew’s shirt and laying first, as they always did, on Andrew’s scars. He traced them carefully, one by one, showing each one the same adoration as the next. Andrew never particularly liked his scars, especially those self- inflicted, but when Neil was beneath him touching his scars like they were the most precious thing about him, Andrew found he didn’t find their presence quite so annoying. Then Neil brushed a purposeful finger over his nipple and Andrew didn’t have time to stop the grunt that fell out of him. Neil didn’t stop there though- didn’t allow himself to dote much time to the nub- instead he let his hands trail down his skin until they stopped settled against the hem of his shirt which he tugged in question.

Andrew lifted it up over his head without a thought and tossed it to the other side of the room. He paused only to slip his armbands off along with his knifes and chuck them, more carefully, to the other side of the room too. It was never a good idea to have his knives on him when they were having sex- they’d learnt that the hard way after a few too many close calls. And then decided he wanted Neil on top of them so as smoothly as he could, and it must have been smooth by the way Neil’s eyes glinted in surprise and arousal, flipped the 5’3 man so he was in the position Andrew had been just moments before. It took the boy a minute to gain his bearings but when he did he grinned and bent so his mouth was dangling above Andrew’s left nipple. “Yes or no, Andrew?” The mouth said and Andrew moaned a yes. Of course he wanted that mouth on him. Silly question (although it wasn’t and he knew this).

And then the mouth was on his nipple and a tongue was flicking the nub. This had been the first way that Andrew had let Neil pleasure him, when it was still too much for him to touch anything waist down. This he allowed. This felt good. This, no one else had done to him. This would always be just Neil’s. Andrew could cope with waist down most days now, but Neil always came back to this.

Andrew hadn’t been very vocal the first year they’d been together but over time he let his vocal walls drop and now, beneath Neil, he let out several moans. Mainly because it felt good, partly because it spurred Neil on and he loved to rile the boy up. And Neil, predictable fuck, sucked harder.

“You like that?” Neil thought it was acceptable to stop what he was doing to ask a stupid question. Andrew ignored the raised eyebrow that somehow managed to smirk and decided pushing Neil’s face back to his chest was answer enough. Too late did he realise what a mistake that was when Neil snorted directedly into his nipple. Andrew was ashamed to say it felt good but lucky for him he’d had 20+ years of practised apathy that only the slightest twitch of his lips betrayed him. Unfortunately for him Neil had spent the last few years studying every shift and slip up in Andrew’s mask and emotions that that was enough for him to know. Then he smirked, _the fucker._

That was the last straw, no more nipples for him the fucker had lost that privilege. Still, when Andrew grabbed at his chin and dragged it towards his lips to kiss, Neil didn’t see it as a great loss. If anything the boy responded fervently kissing back with more energy than before. So much energy that he didn’t notice when Andrew let go of his chin to grab the lube from the bedside table, slick up his fingers and slip them between them. It was only when Andrew broke the kiss to let out a heated breath did Neil find himself looking down to see Andrew already knuckle deep inside himself. If Andrew could be embarrassed when his rabbit beamed at him like that he would be but Neil _was_ looking at him like that and he’d spent too much time afraid of his own touch to not relish this. After much trial and error, they had found that when Andrew fingered himself before Neil did that he was less likely to have a panic attack. 2 out of 5 times when Neil fingered him first had resulted in a panic attack- Andrew thought those were pretty good odds but Neil wasn’t having- and they managed to get it down to 1 in 10 this way. Neil was never put out by this either, if anything he got more turned on by watching Andrew pump his fingers in and out of himself which Andrew always rolled his eyes at. Always content to watch. Andrew, whatever the odds, liked Neil touching him. Much to contrary belief too but Neil had proved time and time again that he would stop when Andrew wanted him too and even before that if Neil could sense it. Andrew knew without a doubt that if he flicked Neil’s head and eyes away from where he was lapping up the sight of Andrew’s pleasure, he wouldn’t look down again unless Andrew explicitly said he could (he had tested this out on many occasions). It wasn’t Andrew’s fault that no one else had managed to gain his trust in that aspect and no one else’s touch did he crave like Neil’s anyway. So now when Andrew slicked up Neil’s fingers and guided them towards his recently empty hole he had no fear at what Neil would do. In fact, even with Andrew guiding his hands between his legs Neil didn’t touch him until Andrew said he could and when he did reach out and touch his rim, somehow romantically, he kept his eyes on Andrew’s studying them for any sign of regret.

“You getting on with it, Rabbit?”

“Let me take my time sweetheart.” His disgustingly sweet boyfriend shot him a devastatingly handsome smile still only lightly tracing the edge of Andrew’s rim. Andrew grumbled but let him continue his ministrations- he would never admit out- loud and barely admitted to himself but he liked when Neil treated him like he was something precious. It was something that Andrew didn’t get from a lot of people, so if it warmed his heart at how gentle Neil was being with him, well, no one had to know. “I’m going to go in now, okay?”

Andrew grabbed Neil’s other hand and kissed it. He nodded and took a breath forcing himself to relax as Neil slipped a finger in. It went with no resistance even with Andrew clenching around him. Neil squeezed the hand holding his and stilled his finger, “Breathe, I’m here, I’ve got you. It’s just me. We’re alone, it’s just us. Do you want me to stop?”

Andrew shook his head.

“Can you use your words sweetheart?”

“No.” Andrew said after a beat. “Don’t stop.”

Neil nodded, Andrew felt it against his forehead and wasn’t sure when Neil’s head ended up against his, and began to pump his finger in and out of Andrew until the shorter man was begging for another. Andrew was already stretched but he liked it when he built up with Neil as well- it was like he was getting used to Neil being inside of him. And it felt nice. He was always rough with himself but Neil was always gentle.

By the time they got to three fingers that could happily scissor in him Andrew had decided that he was ready to upgrade to Neil jr. Neither of them came up with the name but Nicky, unfortunately, started referring to it as that in the first year they were dating and Andrew found himself constantly calling it that in his head. Neil would punch him if he found out. He might even steal Andrew’s knives and stab him with them. He’d doubt he’d feel remorse.

“Neil, I want you inside of me,” he managed to say.

“I am inside of you.”

Tease.

He levelled him with a glare. “I want your dick in me.” Read: I want Neil Jr inside of me. He only stopped glaring when Neil turned a beautiful shade of pink. He could give it but he sure as hell couldn’t take it. Adorable.

The stupid idiot nodded, gulped several times to hide the fact he was salivating, and then nodded again. “Tell me to stop if you want to, okay? One tap means slow down and two means stop if you can’t speak. Okay?”

“Yes, Rabbit.” Andrew rolled his eyes despite the warm buzz in his chest. They’d be intimate enough time for Andrew to know this by heart but every time they went ‘all the way’ Neil made sure to repeat it.

“Say it back to me.” Neil was lucky he was pretty. And that this turned him on. And that he needed this despite how much he pretended he didn’t.

“I’ll tell you to stop if I want to and if I’m non- verbal one tap for slow down, two for stop.”

Neil kissed him. “Good.” And then lined up with his entrance and with one final yes pushed in slowly.

It was too late to realise that this was one of the 1 in 10 times. Andrew didn’t know what happened, didn’t know he was panicking until too late. But suddenly, Neil’s hands weren’t his hands, and his dick wasn’t his dick, and his voice wasn’t his voice. He was no longer on their bed in Columbia beneath the love of his life; he couldn’t tell where he was, it could have been his bed in Cass’s house or the bed in Nicky’s parent’s house. He didn’t know all the beds felt the same. But it was _his_ hands.

Andrew couldn’t move, he couldn’t find his voice, couldn’t find the no that was screaming to get out. He didn’t feel Neil pull out and practically leap off the bed to the other side of the room. There were so many hands, he couldn’t breathe. He wanted it to stop. He thought he escaped, how had he found him again? So many hands. Hands that weren’t his. That weren’t Neil’s. Touching. Lingering. Stroking in places he hadn’t permitted. Why weren’t they stopping? Why were there so many of them? Had they all found him at once? He thought he was safe. They said he was safe. He can’t breathe. _Stop, please stop, please, stop, I can’t do this._ Why weren’t they listening? Why do they never listen? Why aren’t they stopping? _Please._

He can’t breathe. Why can’t he breathe? Why won’t they stop?

“-drew Minyard.” God, that voice, he hadn’t heard that voice in a while and now it was here breathing all over him. “You are safe.” If Andrew was still on drugs he would have laughed. He wasn’t safe, he would never be safe. Not with Drake. He had to get away but he couldn’t move. It was always easier when he didn’t struggle, always less painful, always less blood, always quicker. His brain still screamed to fight but it seemed his body had memorised the easier way and stopped him from being able to fight. Being betrayed by others was one thing, being betrayed by his own body was another. He wanted them to stop. “Drake is dead.” Stop lying to me he wanted to scream, a dead man can’t touch you. Why are you lying to me? “-eil Josten.” _Neil_. Why was he saying Neil’s name? Had he gotten him too? His family were meant to be safe. Neil was meant to be safe. Why couldn’t he save anyone?

“You are a Palmetto State Fox.” Except, Drake didn’t know he was a fox. And he didn’t know Neil. Andrew forced himself to relax to focus on the voice. It didn’t sound like Drake’s voice. It didn’t make his skin crawl the way his did. It sounded soft in a way his never had. It sounded worried. Drake’s never sounded worried. He knew this voice. He trusted that voice.

“You are Andrew Minyard. You are a Palmetto State Fox. You are in the house in Columbia in our room. You’re with me, Neil Josten. You’re safe. Drake is dead. It’s just us. You are safe.” Andrew tried to register the words, tried placing the voice.

“You are Andrew Minyard. You are a Palmetto State Fox. You are in the house in Columbia in our room. You’re with me, Neil Josten. You’re safe. Drake is dead. It’s just us. You are safe.”

_Columbia._

_Neil._

_Drake is dead._

The world snapped back into focus and all at once his breath rushed to him. It took a second to realise the panting that was so fucking loud in his ears was his own. That didn’t make it any easier to deal with so instead he tried to block it out with his other senses. His fingers, finally able to, twitched. He wasn’t strong enough to grab at the covers, but he let the smoothness of the duvet attempt to calm him. It was one him and Neil had picked out together. Soft. Smooth. It was more expensive than what Andrew usually spent on a duvet but they’d both spent far too much time living in the complete opposite of luxury not to let themselves have this. _Neil._ He wanted Neil. There would be time to stress out about the exact meaning of those thoughts and wants later but for now the need for the other boy outweighed the panic of wanting and relying on someone else.

“Neil.” His voice sounded croaky, like it had just spent the last half an hour screaming his lungs out and if he was honest with himself that was probably quite a realistic assessment of what had just happened. “Neil.” He said again. He couldn’t tell how loud he was actually speaking or if he was even speaking at all instead of just imagining the words out of his mouth. “Neil.”

“I’m here. I’m right here, I’ve got you.” There. Andrew took three calming breaths as he let the other boy’s voice wash over him.

“I can’t see you.” To be fair he wasn’t exactly trying, moving was too exhausting, but he wanted Neil where he could see him now.

“I’m here, love.” He said as he moved round the bed so that if Andrew turned his head he would be in his line of sight. Andrew did turn his head. His face didn’t shift in expression, but his breathing slowed slightly. Neil still had his back pressed to the wall, so Andrew didn’t feel trapped. At any other time, Andrew would have taken the moment to appreciate it. “I’m here, you’re safe.”

The desire to speak drained as quickly as his desire for Neil had come. Instead, he shifted his arm as much as his body would allow so that his hand ended up closer to Neil.

“You want me to hold your hand?” Suddenly it felt too big. He felt like he might drown at that amount of contact.

He shook his head and let his pinkie twitch.

“You want to link pinkies?” It sounded stupid out loud, but Andrew let himself nod anyway. He wanted that grounding touch. Neil didn’t judge him though, he just shuffled closer- not too close but close enough to hook his pinkie in Andrew’s- and squatted down to eye level. The contact felt like breathing; as if an extra pair of lungs had been gifted to him; and Andrew let his eyes fall closed.

It was only for a few minutes while he caught his breath and he let his body regain some of the energy it had lost. He wasn’t fully functional by the time he decided to move but he couldn’t sit exposed any longer. Neil didn’t stop him when he unhooked their pinkies and made an exit. He didn’t follow him either. Andrew was as close to glad he could get; he needed these few minutes to himself to calm down. Only when he was faced with a vision of himself in the mirror did he realise he had made it to the bathroom. Only when his knuckles turned white against the porcelain sink did he realise how much he was shaking.

Fuck Drake. Fuck all of them. Fuck every single one of them who turned him into this. All he wanted was to be intimate with his boyfriend, God dammit, and instead of getting railed like a normal 23-year-old he was in the bathroom chocking back tears because of _them._

The sound of shattering glass is what made Andrew realise he’d punched the mirror. That and the pain. It was welcome though and that scared him more than looking down from the roof did.

“Neil!” He knew he was shouting this time and when the man in question came running down the hallway, he knew he’d been loud enough. Or he’d just been listening incredibly closely for any sign of trouble. Both were likely.

“I’m here. Can I come in?”

Andrew opened the door in response. He didn’t wait for the question and instead shoved his bleeding hand towards the other man and said, “I don’t want to hurt myself.”

It seemed Neil had been taking apathy lessons from Andrew because he managed to keep his face remarkably blank at the whole ordeal. “Okay.” A pause. “Can I touch you?” A head shake. “Can you clean it yourself?”

Andrew considered his hand for a moment then shook it again. Neil placed a pair of sweatpants on the floor along with a hoodie, Andrew had forgotten to bring any in his rush to leave the room, and moved inside of the bathroom to the medical kit.

“Sit down.” He gestured to the loo and Andrew, after putting on the sweatpants, sat. Then, he wrapped his left hand in a towel in an attempt to make it less hand shaped and hide the texture of his skin and placed it beneath Andrew’s wrecked hand. “I’m not going to touch you.” He said as he pulled tweezers out of the medical kit and got to work removing shards of glass. It took longer than it usually would due to Neil attempting to maintain distance and not letting his skin touch the other’s. When it was all removed Neil freed both his hands and placed an end of a bandage in each. Andrew let his hand rest in the middle of the bandage and Neil wrapped it as best he could round, again being careful not to touch any part of Andrew with his skin. The finished product was not photoshoot ready, the ends hung uselessly from his palm because Neil didn’t know how to tuck them in without touching him so didn’t bother, and it was thicker than it needed to be, but it protected his wounds so for now it would do.

“Come on, Drew, let’s go to bed.” He didn’t touch him when he left nor did he wait for him to follow. Andrew did anyway because he was tired, and he wanted to forget today. A shower could wait till tomorrow.

Back in their bedroom Neil was waiting at the end of the bed looking rather lost. “I can sleep on the sofa tonight.” He said after Andrew shot him a look.

He considered it for a moment and then considered being alone for the night and decided the company of Neil was much preferred. He shook his head and carried on to the bed. A minute passed until Neil chose to move and another 30 seconds passed before he felt the bed shift to accommodate the added weight. Andrew lay on the centre of his side but Neil lay precariously close to the edge of his. Andrew wanted to tell him to move closer, that it was fine, but he wasn’t sure it was so he didn’t say anything. He did hook his pinkie out in a silent question. Neil took it and finally let out a breath of his own.

“Will it ever get easier?” His voice sounded small. He hated it.

“I don’t know.” Neil said after a quiet moment of contemplation. “But I’ll be here even if it never does.”

It was a nicer answer than he was expecting and it wasn’t filled with that disgusting thing called hope either. For a pathological liar Neil spoke with too much truth.

It wasn’t a promise of a better tomorrow, it wasn’t fake hope of a better future, it was the simple truth that no matter what happened- how much harder or easier it got- Neil would be there with him.

That sounded a lot better than hope to him and with one final squeeze of Neil’s pinkie he let his eyes shut and sleep claim him.


End file.
